THE MATRIX

Killdeers, Snakes, Dragonflies, Hawks, The High Priestess,Thoth, Mercury, Naga, Nada, Ringing in the Ears and the 5th Chakra..........

One of the things that has been happening on an increasing basis is that I am aware of all my experiences weaving themselves together like a matrix or a fabric. Time is changing for me and I no longer see it as a linear experience. Sometimes it seems to bend and fold on itself while other times it seems to speed up like a burst of energy. That seems like such a simple and incomplete explanation but it's the best I can describe it. I see connections where there were none before. Each time it happens it is more elaborate and more intricate. It still amazes me and is still a little surreal. There is a Collective Soul song--World I Know--that has been resonating in my life repeatedly and there is a line:

"All the words that I've been reading are now starting the act of bleeding into one....into ONE."

This song speaks to me on so many different levels but that one line describes the experience perfectly....one thing is another is another and so on. It's amazing to me. Symbolism abounds!

Three is everywhere for me. I take it as a sign that the Goddess is all around me. The original trinity--Mother, Maiden and Crone--guiding me, teaching me, showing me how to live. I see three of things ALL THE TIME. Today is was 3 snakes and three squirrels. Early in my spiritual journey I saw three Ravens and three Magpies in one tree. And there are hundreds of examples. I don't think a day has gone by recently where I haven't seen 3 of some bird or creature.

I see a lot of wildlife on my daily walk. A few days ago I saw something I hadn't seen before. Three killdeers. I only saw them once and have not seen them since. I could not find any information about killdeers as a totem so I researched information on them and came to my own conclusions. They are walking contradictions. They are a water bird that does not have to live near a major body of water. They lay their eggs in plain site in order to hide them. They fake injuries to lure predators away from their nests. I've decided they are akin to the moon as the gestation period for their eggs is 28 days and they have two rings around their throats, one in the shape of a crescent moon. The babies may stay in the eggs longer but they are born able to run and eat and fend for themselves essentially. This says a lot to me about living my life out in the open and knowing that it may take time for things to come about but when they do they will be fully grown.

Because the rings around their neck are so prominent, my research brought me to references on the 5th chakra or the throat chakra. I looked the information over briefly and then let it go.

Then came the Snakes and Dragonflies. Snake has been with me for awhile and I have studied it's meaning as it pertains to my life. The dragonflies came up 3 or 4 times in just a few days and I struggled to find a meaning that I hadn't already seen because nothing was clicking. Three snakes crossed my path 2 days in a row while on my walk. I usually see snakes frequently...practically step on them all the time...but three in one 2 mile walk?.....definite message being sent. I started to think the two were related and started throwing around the idea of a Dragon totem....Dragonfly and Snake combined. That thought stayed with me, gnawing at the back of my head.

I got back to work and pondered a bit trying to concentrate and got a ringing in my left ear. At first it was loud and internal and then it changed to soft and external. This has been happening quite frequently to me in the past month or so. Also a clicking in one or more ears. I have been working with gathering psychic ability and clairaudience is one aspect so I did a search on the internet and there was the 5th chakra again....amazing....I decided looking into the throat chakra was worth more time than I had initially given it.

On a side note I have a window at my desk at work. I work in a tech park where there are alot of industries and office buildings. It is absolutely amazing how many birds fly by and around my window within my site....particularly the hawks and falcons. I have seen the following out my window: Swainson's Hawk, Cooper's Hawk, Prairie Falcon, and Red Tailed Hawk. Not to mention I have received several Hawk feathers on my walks. How people can just walk by them and not pick them up....they were obviously meant for me.

On two other side notes, I've been working with my dreams lately and have had several visionary lucid dreams in the past weeks. Also in the past week the road has been worked on outside my office building and the name of the company doing it was the Thouth Brothers. The significance of this will make sense in a moment.

But I digress.....

Long story short....turns out the 5th chakra is tied to the Nada--Divine Ear--Clairaudience. Buddhists use the 5th Chakra to induce lucid dreams....oh really? It's also tied to the Gods, Thoth and Mercury. Thoth? Wow, I saw that name recently on the side of the trucks that were outside my window for a week. I do a search and come up with an image (above) that looks very familiar to me. First of all it's the head of a water bird (killdeers) and has the moon on its head almost exactly like the High Priestess (above) in the tarot which has come up for me lately as well as an energy I am surrounded with. To me she is the Triple Goddess of the Tarot. The third image above is that of the 5th chakra...the similarity is obvious. Mercury is the messenger of the Gods as is the Hawk. Not only has Hawk been outside my window and given me several gifts of feathers but has flown over my head or my car just about everyday for about a month or more. All these coincidences are amazing enough. I am surrounded by this energy manifesting itself in my life.

Here is the final piece to me which ties this all into the gnawing feeling of a Dragon totem coming into my life. The Divine Ear or clairaudience is called the Nada in Sanskrit. In investigating the Dragon totem and how Snake and Dragonfly come together, I looked at the water aspect of Dragonfly and the Serpent aspect of the Snake....made sense to me.....and I come up with a Water Dragon totem. In looking into this more I discover the Sanskrit name for Dragon or Serpent is Naga.....oh come on!!!! Nada, Naga...give me a break....absolutely not a coincidence for those two words to come up in the same day--they are related.

Here is the other clue....the first 4 chakras deal with the the four directions and elements and ultimately mastering them and transmuting them. A Dragon totem has command of all four directions and elements and calls their use at will. The fifth chakra or the throat chakra is to me, the birth of the Dragon. The Serpent that is unwinding and gaining power. Through the 5th Chakra, the first 4 chakras are transmuted. Snake is transmutation and Dragon is that at its highest form as it takes the power of the Dragonfly to wipe away illusions, revealing reality while snake takes it in, transmutes and absorbs it, sheds its skin, grows, continues on its ever present course of death and rebirth, awaking new levels of awareness each time. This amazing and intricate tapestry is being revealed to me bit by bit on a daily basis.

Oh, by the way....a Great Horned Owl crossed my path literally the other day in broad daylight. Flew from the ground, across my path to the tree on the other side. I was no more than 10 feet from it at the closest. The 6th or brow chakra's animal is the owl......on to the next piece of the Matrix.......

FREYA-Goddess of love and war

I honor Freya today on the full moon. Her day is Friday but her moon is full. She is the most recent Goddess form to come to me and she has taught me many lessons.

I have been sad over my love loss and have definitely been moving on but it's been a sort of tearing away instead of a clean cut. I've come to realize through Freya's help that it's ok. She cried greatly for her lost love but could still be the strong woman who stood her ground and was independent. She lived life on her own terms.

I think for a long time I would allow myself to be either vulnerable or guarded. If I was vulnerable, I was vulnerable about everything and everyone--no boundaries whatsoever. If I was guarded then I had a wall up that shut everything out.

What Freya has shown me is that I can be vulnerable and strong at the same time. I don't have to give myself away or change who I am to show my vulnerability. It's a very simple concept in theory but actually believing it in my heart is something I've just started to do.

Freya cried her golden tears for her husband who left but was still the leader of the Valkyries and the Goddess of war. She was the beautiful Goddess that all wanted but who no one could possess. She lived with passion in everything--love, war, intimacy. She knew exactly who she was and made no excuses or apologies.

That is the lesson. She has also taught me patience......

The falcon came to me right before Freya did which is not surprising since she is known for her falcon cloak that allows her to shapeshift into the bird itself. Falcon for me has always symbolized patience, decisiveness at the right moment and regalness. My life is unfolding before me in a beautiful woven tapestry. I am beginning to see the past, present and future all working together as one and it is a sight to behold. I must be patient so that I can witness this unfolding and ultimately know my own landscape and how to utilize all that the Goddess had given me.

Until next time.......

THREE TIMES THREE

I haven't blogged in awhile. The last few times I posted it was basically some proclamations about the Goddesses that have come into my life. It's been a pretty powerful process and I feel like I've made great leaps in spiritual growth in the past month. Not really knowing where it was leading me I didn't want to write anything until I felt the experience was stabilizing a bit.

What I will share is that I have come to realize that the Goddess, the Mother, has been calling me my whole life and I have finally become aware enough to hear her. She came to me in 4 forms.

First Rhiannon, the Welsh horse Goddess.

Next Morrighan, the Raven Queen of Death and Fertility.

Then Danu, Great Mother of us All.

And Finally Cerridwen, Goddess of the Underworld and keeper of the Cauldron of Wisdom.

The ways in which these forms of the triple Goddess came to me is personal. I've shared with only 2 people and won't share details here. I will say that it happened very rapidly once the door was open and the experience was the equivalent of living in the dark and suddenly having the lights on. It was that significant.

Some things I have realized.....my life was leveled in order for me to awaken and for that I am eternally grateful to Morrighan. She sent her Ravens years ago to stand beside me, watch over me and lead me to her. It took the complete breakdown of life as I knew it for me to awaken to her calling me.

I also realized that I am in the process of reclaiming my personal power.

I have also realized that the relationship I was in no longer serves a purpose except to distract me from the path I am supposed to be following--the path to my future.

What happens from here is anyone's guess but I do know that wonderful things are coming......the Goddess has shown me.....

More Rhiannon

Through the sea You come.

White mare, Lady fair.

Riding high You come.

Sap rising, birds flying.

With apple blossoms You come.

Love's lust, life's love.

From other worlds You come.

Blessed Be.....Rhiannon.

Blessed Be....Rhiannon.

THE GODDESS RHIANNON

Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night
And wouldn't you love to love her?
She rules her life like a bird in flight
And who will be her lover?

All your life you've never seen a woman
Taken by the sky
Would you stay if she promised you Heaven?
Would you even try?

She is like a cat in the dark
And then baby she is the darkness
She rules her life like a fine skylark
And when the sky is starless

Once in a million years a lady like her rises
Don't go Rhiannon you cry but then she's gone
And your life knows no answer...your life knows no answer

Rhiannon

Taken by, taken by the sky

Dreams unwind
Love's a state of mind

EPIPHANY

THE WARRIORESS

The Warrioress retreats…Wounded.

The Warrioress endures a time of Painful Introspection.

The Warrioress awakens to an Epiphany of her Greatness.

The Warrioress…Renewed and Reinvented…

Rises above the mire to Conquer once again.

UNWRITTEN

I am unwritten
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition
Sometimes my tries
Are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes
But I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten...

THE MORRIGHAN

"Morrighan, Morrighan. Three times Three,
Hear the words I ask of Thee.
Grant me vision, Grant me power,
Cheer me in my darkest hour.
As the night overtakes the day,
Morrighan, Morrighan. Light my way. . .

Morrighan, Morrighan. Raven Queen,
Round and round the Hawthorn green.
Queen of beauty, Queen of Art,
Yours my body, Yours my heart.
All my trust I place in thee,
Morrighan, Morrighan. Be with me. . ."

Morrighan is a wonderful Goddess for strong, independent women, especially those on a warrior path. Call on Her energies for overcoming an enemy or use Her force for waning moon magick or for banishing magick

Her correspondences include: the crow; the raven; obsidian; rubies; the waning and the dark moons; yew; onyx; nightshade; henbane; and black dogs.

New Hope and Peter Rabbit :)

I seem to have some rapid changes happening in my life. The distance between me and the man in my life seems to grow daily and even though I embrace my feelings for him, miss him and continue to be true to myself and my feelings, I realize that even though you love someone, sometimes you just have to move on with your memories and see what's around the next corner. I don't know if or when I will ever stop loving him but I realized this past weekend that I need to change direction, to turn around and try a different path. When I made this decision something amazing happened.

I've known for a long time that I have Rabbit as a totem. I raised show rabbits for 8 years and I learned so much about rabbits, their personalities and tendencies and even how to "talk" to them to make them stay calm and to sooth them. Rabbits are very subtle in their communication and usually won't open up to a new person right away. Part of subtle Rabbit communication is looking you right in the eye. If they are trying to ignore you they won't. A few years ago I started to notice that some wild rabbits I came across were not afraid of me at all and I could get close to them. They would look me right in the eye and all of their body language suggested that they had no fear of me. Of course this is something I tried to explain away until one day I was given a gift of witnessing something that I'm sure few people have ever seen.

I was taking care of my rabbits in my barn and this barn was an old wooden barn with an enclosed work shop. It had a dirt floor and under the workshop was a perfect place for wild rabbits to go and it was obvious that they had because it had been burrowed out in places. Before a mouse issue overtook my barn which prompted me to get some barn cats, wild rabbits would frequently come in and out of my barn right in front of me not worried about me at all. They seemed to know that I wouldn't hurt them--maybe because of the 50+ rabbits I already had in the barn:)

This particular spring I had made friends with a baby bunny. I named him Peter because just like Beatrice Potter's character, he seemed to have no fear and was very daring. He was only about 4-5 weeks old when I met him. I would talk to him and he would dance around as bunnies do (those of you who know bunnies know what I mean) and he would perk his ears up and get very close to me. His wild instincts never let me actually touch him but I got very close. He was as comfortable as a wild rabbit could be.

One day little Peter hopped into the barn and went under the workshop and behind him I saw a very large rabbit slowly hopping after him. It was obviously his mother. He stayed under the workshop and seemed to be saying "Come on Mom, it's ok" and she slowly and deliberately hopped after him--keeping an eye on me the whole time--she went under the workshop with him and right in front of me she allowed little Peter to nurse. Those of you who know rabbits, know that this is almost an impossible thing to witness in the wild--even domestic rabbits will very rarely nurse in front of people that they trust-- and here it was happening right in front of me. I have tears running down my face right now as I write this because it was one of the most beautiful gifts I ever received from one of my totems. I didn't understand what it meant at the time except that I knew I had been blessed by being allowed to witness this rare and beautiful site. As Peter grew that summer he continued to get my attention by dancing around in circles in the yard with perky ears when he saw me and coming in my barn to say "hello" when I was in there. I didn't see him the following year.

The Medicine Cards book talks about Rabbit being associated with fear and that what we fear we will draw to ourselves. The term "being scared to death" came from rabbit because rabbits can and will actually die of fear. This is an important part of Rabbit totem. Those of us who have Rabbit as a totem have to guard against irrational fear and consciously try to use it positively to overcome. There is, however, so much more to Rabbit.

Rabbits are Moon children. They are attuned to the moon and its cycles--something I very much relate to. A rabbit's gestation period averages 30 days so if bred on a full moon, delivery will happen on a full moon. Having bred and raised rabbits for as long as I did I will tell you I had more luck with full moon breeding than any other time. Rabbits are about fertility and abundance. Because they are akin to the moon they are also associated with luck, love, creativity, renewal, hope and coming full circle.

Now on to my recent experience...

I take a walk everyday in a walking/running park near my job. It's basically a 2.2 mile oval path that encompasses pretty well maintained grounds with water run off at the bottom so it does attract quite a bit of wildlife which is wonderful for me. I was walking along and all of a sudden I had to stop short because I literally almost stepped on a little baby bunny. He was right on the path in front of me. He stood very still and I crouched down and starting "talking" to him. He readjusted himself and his ears perked up and he looked right at me while his nose twitched away. I took a good look at him and he could not have been more than a month old. There were bushes next to us so I assumed he was the bravest kit of the litter and had been the first to hop outside to have a look around. I immediately thought of Peter and decided I had just met one of his kindred spirits.

I moved in to touch him and of course that was a little too much so he hopped under the railroad tie that started the edge of the bushes. I got down on my hands and knees and looked under the tie and realized that it was the opening to the rabbits nest. It had been hollowed out by Mom obviously and you could see where it let up and under the bushes. New Peter could have jumped right up into the nest and disappeared but he didn't. He peaked his head out and looked at me again and then hopped right out in front of my peering face. He perked up his ears while I continued to "talk" to him. Then he hopped into the grass and started eating--not worried about me at all. His ears were perked up and he kept looking at me. The funny thing is that another walker came and walked by him on the grass, seemingly not noticing the little bunny at all. The guy probably thought I was a nut standing there staring at the grass. Little Peter's entire demeanor changed as he crouched down, ears back, eyes forward, looking petrified as rabbits can. As soon as the walker had passed he perked right back up and kept hopping around me and looking at me. It was such a special experience.

Little Peter came back in my life to give me the feeling of renewed hope....and such a feeling it is. When I met the first little Peter I was going through a very difficult time in my marriage. Going out to the rabbit barn was my only solace. I would sit out there for hours tending to my rabbits and almost everyday Peter would come. Just being out there made me feel centered, like everything would be OK. I didn't realize it then that Rabbit was giving me the message to have hope--that abundance was in my life already and I just had to realize it.

Today I know what the message is. Good things are coming. I have abundance and fertility and love in my life. As I use the cycles of the moon to meditate and affirm I can think of little Peter and have my heart and mind and soul filled with the hope and promise of tomorrow--that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, learning and experiencing what I'm supposed to. I am using Rabbit to overcome my fear everyday and to move through and feel the things that are happening to me and not run from them. The love of my life is coming along with other gifts--spiritual and otherwise--that the Universe has for me.This week I received my second great gift from Rabbit and I can carry that with me everyday and know that abundance flows in my life. It's not a mistake that these gifts came in the form of baby rabbits. Babies are new and full of all the promise there is, meaning that the hope lies in new beginnings and things that are yet to come.

Until next time......

Transmutation--Snake Medicine

Snake medicine....powerful stuff. My primary totems are Raven, Crow, Hawk and Horse--these are the ones I relate to the most. I also have Rabbit and Coyote as well. I actually raised rabbits for 8 years and do feel a kinship with them. There is also an argument to be made that anyone with Raven and Crow certainly has Wolf but I usually see wolves in other people and not myself. Maybe time will change that.

Snake has shown up for me a lot lately. I've always been comfortable around snakes. I can pick them up. They will show up right in front of me and I almost step on them. When I notice them they always stay for a good 20 seconds and then when I reach for them they try to get away. I've caught a few and after peeing on me they always settle in and get comfortable. I used to have a 6 ft boa constrictor but got worried it was too strong for me so I gave it back to the breeder. I recently came across a complete snake skin on the path that I walk everyday. Picked it up and brought it home. I do consider it a gift from Snake. I don't know if I have snake as a totem or if it's temporary. If it is temporary, it has been around for over a year now.

Snake is heavy medicine that comes with a lot of responsibility. Transmutation...to transmute...Merriam Webster definition: to change or alter in form, appearance, or nature and especially to a higher form....yes heavy medicine. Snake urges me to evolve. To always take the high road no matter what is thrown my way. To take in life's "poisons" and absorb them. To shed my skin and in that renew and rejuvenate and become new again. Yes snake has helped me and I have become snake many times.

Snake is also about clairvoyance which I feel growing within me as well. Right before snake sheds its skin, a veil forms over it's eyes. That veil is the doorway that allows visions and predictions and inner knowing. That veil enables snake to shed its skin and become new again only to start the process all over to the next level. To be willing to experience everything and digest everything so that this veil can be created and enlightenment obtained. It's no coincidence that two snakes intertwined around a sword is the symbol of healing even in today's world. Willingness is the key. The willingness to learn from, grow from and accept everything that life has to offer. Remember that swords are double edged.....to love the dark as well as the light and see how important each is to the other. Snake medicine helps me to see my future and to become it.

To become the future......

A Picture of True Love

Recent events have caused me to ponder quite a bit about the meaning of True Love. I know there are many books out there that discuss relationships and how they work and what ingredients there are to successful ones. I'm sure many people follow these formulas and are perhaps happy just like some people follow the rules of a church and in the following of those rules they gain a sense of order and happiness and for some even spiritual enlightenment. The rules allow them to clear away the fog that most of us walk around in and in that they are able to have the Universe (or God if you prefer) reach them. There are many who need that and I am grateful they have that avenue to travel on.

I am a visual thinker and I see things in pictures and moving visions. As we go through life we pick up dirt. Just like a little kid going out to play in the world who comes home covered in whatever matter they found. As adults we "play" out in the world as well and we come home covered in the treasures or the disappointments in life. Some of them we created but some come from the people we have chosen to interact with. The little kid can come home and get clean from the bath for the most part but usually adults carry with them what they have experienced creating what to me looks like the Charlie Brown character "Pig Pen". The residue clogs the mind and the environment and is like a cloudy trail we carry around with us.

When we meet someone and have that "soul" connection--that True Love that we all search for--it's like the tiny environment that is created when the two are together repels that dark cloud that follows each. The clouds are still there but they are pushed a little further back and bright light is revealed around the two. But here is where the work begins. True love is capable of slowly making that small area bigger and brighter. It takes the two participants to realize that the cloud will try to close in again but if they stick together and weed through the murkiness they have the capability of removing the cloud for both of them. The union of two people creating a spark that illuminates both of their worlds. At first the spark is hot and bright but if properly tended to becomes glowing warm embers that encompass them both and provide a stable environment for both of them to return to after "playing outside".

But that can be difficult because for so many that dark dirty cloud is home and to come into the light can be frightening, overwhelming and blinding--I know it was for me at first. They are so used to living in darkness that the light scares them and they retreat. They explain away the spark that is now fading because it was not attended to. "It wasn't real" they tell themselves. How could it be. Stuff like that doesn't happen.

This is where it becomes sad for me. This beautiful picture I have in my mind of two souls embracing each other and pushing back the murky fog is not how most people think anymore. There are formulas and rules and established procedures for relationships. There are two many mice scrutinizing how things should work and not enough turtles going with the flow. Mice have their purpose but their medicine infrequently belongs in relationships. Two many mice have been allowed to take over in this world in every area and space and those of us who have had mice problems in our house know what it means when that happens.

So my wish is that for all of you who have felt that spark and have not moved beyond it to the warm embers...wake up....go with it....do it together. No one comes without baggage. No one comes without problems. Lift each other up. Put on different glasses. See it in a different way. Look at weaknesses as assets being used incorrectly. Find out who that person is and celebrate it. Find out what that person needs and give it to them. Not giving AWAY yourself, giving OF yourself. There is a difference--learn it. Celebrate the soul connection you had at the beginning and build on it. Don't look for reasons to explain it away. Love is a flame that cannot be left unattended. One person can keep it going for awhile but love is meant to be cared for by two and eventually that one persons efforts will be for naught. Don't wait and don't worry. Fight if you have to (not all fighting is unhealthy) work it out, get it out, be brutally honest and then come together in the end, forgive and love with all that you have. Don't hold anything back and the gifts will return to you 100 fold.

This is my picture of True Love. For some it may not be perfect and by society's standards it certainly is not. But it is perfect in itself for it is what it's supposed to be and for those that experience it, they understand that to their core.

Turtle Medicine--Going with the flow......

It's the Tuesday after memorial day. I had an unexpected very nice weekend. A wonderful man--guess who--and dear friend called me to take me to a casino on Saturday night and I won $160.00! Wow! More importantly I got to see his face :) Yes, gushy I know.

I've actually tried to let go of my feelings for him and they just don't go away so I have decided to embrace what I feel and let it be what it's going to be. In this way I am like turtle.

Turtle is the mother, the womb, life, grounding. When I think of turtle I think of "slow and steady wins the race." But what happens during the slow and steady? Life and all the little tidbits that if I was rushing or not accepting I would be missing. This man is someone I care about deeply--our friendship being the most important part of our relationship to me. If I had not accepted him for himself and instead gotten mad at him for being in a different place than me, I would have lost him as a friend and that would have been the real tragedy.

Turtle carries her protection with her. She goes through life knowing that she has everything she needs at any given moment and she quietly goes with the flow, experiencing all there is to experience and knowing that she is fully protected from any permanent damage. Turtle lets me know that I am never alone, allows me to ground myself, and helps me to see each experience, even if it's painful as something to learn from. Turtle knows exactly who she is and expresses it without ego. Turtle medicine has gotten me through many things this past year and I am eternally grateful to her for that.

This man in my life is a very special person and I am meant to learn something from him still or I would not still have the feelings I have. Will the lesson be hard--it already has been--that is where he ends and I begin--but it has made me grow and turtle has been there with me to give me the protection of her shell when I have needed it.

Until next time......

Getting what you need

Blogs--what a name. Sounds like Bogs. Bogs are where cranberries are grown and unless you grew up on Cape Cod you probably didn't know that. Bogs also remind me of somewhere cold and foggy where you might see vampires or werewolves on a full moon.

Thought I would give this a try. I like to write and like to write my thoughts so I guess this is the "new" way of doing it.

I've gone through several transitions in the past year. Became divorced from a 20 year marriage where my husband was an alcoholic and cheated on me. Fell in love with a wonderful man that I met online shortly after my divorce but since have found we are in very different places in our lives. Still in love. But the way I want to be loved is to be accepted and cherished for who I am and where I'm at so that's what I'm practicing. He touches my soul and fills me with happiness every time I think of him or hear from him. I miss his face and my hand resting in his.

Have three beautiful children. My oldest has chosen a very difficult path with drugs. When I think of it I cry. He doesn't let me know what he's doing. I think it's his way of being a man and protecting me even though his judgment is not right with that. I don't see him much but he is still a gift. My other 2 children seem to be doing OK and I try not to worry but they have been through a lot too and I am keeping my eyes and ears open.

I am a Pagan. Earth based spirituality. I rely on animal totems (Raven and Crow being very prevalent) for enlightenment. I use Tarot as well although I'm new to that. I believe what I project out into the Universe is what will be sent back to me.

Many of the things that have happened in the past 2 years threw me into a tailspin. When I met the man I am in love with now it grounded me--it took a little bit--the spinning had to slow down at it's own pace. I think that's why I fell in love with him. He was my life raft in the storm. Only the second man in my life who I felt could see and touch my soul and my ex-husband was not the other one--my Nanu was. The Universe sent him to me (upon my request) to ground me and show me the lessons I need to learn. The primary lessons have been patience and unconditional love. These are hard lessons for me but I am so much happier having to learn them. We are just good friends for right now--but the love has not faded. I am so grateful he came into my life.

You can't always get what you want, but sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.